Reasons to be grateful: A suprise pregnancy

Nov 27, 2022Nov 25, 2022 / The Magpie at Midnight / 2 Comments

Fertility difficulties…

I’ve been wanting to write, and simultaneously avoiding writing, this post for a while. I’m not quite sure where that reticence comes from, other than I normally don’t get quite this personal in print. Perhaps I don’t want to jinx it.

I’ve not written about this here before, although it’s no secret to people who know me. When we were trying to get pregnant with my son we struggled. It took more than a year of treatments, invasive tests and finally one lucky round of IVF before he was conceived.

I was 39 when he was born during a difficult delivery, and at that time I felt so incredibly lucky to have one baby. Since then I’ve never felt our family was incomplete. In many ways I felt like we’d had our bit of luck, surely we wouldn’t get more. My partner and I talked about going back to the fertility clinic but we hadn’t quite got to the point of spending the money.

…and big surprises

I had heard stories of people who had had a child through IVF, and then been caught by surprise by a second, natural pregnancy. But I thought they were just stories. I certainly did not think that something like that would happen to me.

Then, a few months ago that is exactly what happened, and now I’m expecting twins. I’ve known for some time now that we’re hoping for not one, but two babies at the end of this, but I’m still getting over the shock of it all to be honest.

‘Take it easy’

It’s been a funny time. The first three months were rough with constant nausea, and now, just as that has subsided, fatigue has settled in instead making it difficult to be as productive as I would like to be.

On top of that my toddler is getting more lively and more sure of his own preferences by the day, so the well meaning advice I’ve received from many people to ‘take it easy’, is difficult to follow.

When I tell other people they are almost always more excited than I am. It’s not that I’m not really pleased about what has happened, but I can also see the challenges ahead too.

When we found out I was pregnant this time we had just got to a point where things were feeling a little easier with a young child. Now it feels a bit like we are resetting the clock on sleepless nights and feeding problems, only at twice the intensity and with a busy toddler too.

Not all gifts are simple pleasures

I’ll not pretend I’m not daunted, and sometimes worry about whether we’ll be able to manage, both from a practical perspective, and a financial one. Sometimes I worry about my son, and how we will make enough time for him so that he can continue feeling secure and loved.

But I am enormously grateful too.

It feels like the universe has gifted me a last minute chance for a bigger family than I could have hoped for when we started our fertility journey six years ago.

I’ve been reflecting recently that not all gifts are simple, uncomplicated pleasures. Sometimes the gift itself is in the challenges it offers you, and how you respond to those challenges. I’m hoping that our family will be able to embrace those challenges, whatever they may be.

Thank you for reading. I also write, make art and films. You can read my short fantasy stories here on Simily. If you like these prompts and want to get a copy of a free short book of them I wrote, and to hear more about my writing projects please join my mailing list here. You can see my films at my YouTube channel here. You can see things with my designs on at my shop here. Could even treat yourself if you wanted to. Just saying. If buying art is not your thing, but you would like to support what you see you could buy me a KoFi, and I also have a Patreon Page.

Reasons to be Grateful: Allowing myself some grace when I’m not at my best

Aug 4, 2022Nov 25, 2022 / The Magpie at Midnight / Leave a comment

The best laid plans…

About six weeks ago I had decided to try to be more consistent with writing posts about gratitude. I think they are helpful to me to write them, and they are helpful to some of the people that read them too. Within a week or two of making that decision, I tested positive for Covid, and then was quite poorly for about two weeks.

During that time my little cat, who I had a close bond with, became very poorly. We had been trying lots of things to treat him for a bowel condition, but it turned out that wasn’t what he had. Instead he had an aggressive cancer which just gobbled him up, which was increadibly difficult to watch. I took him to the vet to be put to sleep before I had really been able to recover from Covid, and have suffered a very sticky form of grief for him ever since.

On top of this I still have a busy toddler to look after, who is just going though a ‘boundary testing phase’, and managing this is exhausting. As I write this it’s been at least three weeks since I cleared Covid, and yet I still do not feel like I have recovered from either thing.

Frankly I haven’t been feeling at my best, and times like these can have unexpected results.

Just not finding my muse

I have found myself suffering an odd form of writers block, in which I have the initial ideas for little blog posts, stories, or even longer essays, but as I sit to write them I find it impossible to think through how to elaborate on that initial idea to create something readable.

For about a week or so I put pressure on myself to get back to the swing things and feel ok, and then I realised that I didn’t have it in me for that.

Those who have read bits and pieces of my work before may know I have struggled with anxiety and depression in the past, and those experiences have taught me that it’s not always sensible to struggle on. This time, instead of trying to push myself to write, I decided to take a bit of a break, and have written just a few little bits and pieces in that last month.

A few moments of grace

In the few scraps of time I have to myself in the day I’ve been doing other things instead, taking the time to sleep, to read the fascinating Entangled Life by Merlin Sheldrake (this is an affiliate link – if you buy this book using this link I’ll be sent a few pence as a referral fee), and to cuddle my surviving cat.

As I begin to feel like writing again, I feel grateful that I was able to give myself a little moment of grace to not do things, and to take a little time to rest.

Reasons to be grateful: A young boy and an old train set

Jun 26, 2022Jun 26, 2022 / The Magpie at Midnight / Leave a comment

A few weekends ago I took my son on the train to visit my parents in the UK country side. During our time there we had an uncharacteristically hot day. We all have pale skin and are prone to burning, and on top of that I tend to get quite light headed when it’s too hot so I’m not a huge fan of the hot weather.

My parents have a nice garden that features a couple of terraced patios, and the highest one is sheltered by the shade of a graceful old apple tree. We decided not to go anywhere in the heat but instead potter around at home. My son is still a toddler and doesn’t need elaborate entertainment any way, he can spend twenty minutes examining a CD (my parents still have a lot of those).

After my son took his afternoon nap he was pottering about in the garden when my dad emerged from their cellar holding a mysterious plastic box. He put it on the table under the apple tree and invited my son to sit at the table with him. Once my son was settled in his chair my dad began pulling out pieces of track and old electric locomotive trains for my son to look at and hold.

My son really loves trains, and has a wooden train set at home that slots together like a jigsaw made by BRIO (this is one of the sets he has, they are compatible with other more elaborate sets, affilliate link so if you chose to buy this set using this link I would get a small commission), but the set my dad showed him was more elaborate, delicate and involved an electric track. It also had a number of detailed steam trains, which my son loved zooming up and down the table on a piece of track my dad put together for him.

It’s a very old train set, part of it belongs to a set that my father’s father gave him when he was a child, and part of it my dad bought for a set at some time or other (he used to be a set designer for TV programmes), so we didn’t think it would actually work. However, after a little detective work and some DW-40, my dad persuaded one of the units to race around the track. It was quite an exciting moment.

Generally I would have thought my son a little too excitable to play with something with such a delicate set up, but he controlled himself very well if it meant spending the afternoon playing with grampy’s train set in the shade. At times he sat and chatted with my mum about all the trains and what they were, even though he doesn’t really understand that much, which was enchanting to watch.

As I’ve said else where, we needed fertility treatment to have our son, and frankly there were times when I didn’t think we would get moments like these. I feel intensely lucky to have spent that warm afternoon in the garden watching my son play with his grandparents and an old train set under the apple tree.

Thank you for reading. I also write, make art and films. You can read my short fantasy stories here on Simily. If you are interested in the process of creativity and want to get a copy of my free short book of creative prompts, and to hear more about my writing projects please join my mailing list here. You can see my films at my YouTube channel here. You can see things with my designs on at my shop here. Could even treat yourself if you wanted to. Just saying. If buying art is not your thing, but you would like to support what you see I also have a Patreon page here.

Like my work but none of the above options appeal? You could consider a one off donation instead. I would really appreciate it.

Make a monthly donation

Make a yearly donation

Choose an amount

£2.00

£5.00

£10.00

£2.00

£5.00

£10.00

£5.00

£10.00

£15.00

Or enter a custom amount

Your contribution is appreciated.

Donate Donate monthly Donate yearly

Reasons to be Grateful: Unexpected quiet moments with my son

Jun 14, 2022Jun 15, 2022 / The Magpie at Midnight / Leave a comment

I made a bit of a mistake this morning, and managed to get the whole household up an hour earlier than we needed to. I looked over at the clock on the other side of the bed and mistook a 5 for a 6.

My son was still asleep when I carried him downstairs and settled him on the sofa, and I didn’t wake him as I thought we still had a few minutes to spare. In the kitchen where I made some tea and warmed him a little milk the clock on the cooker alerted me to the fact that I was an hour early, and my partner grumbled a little before heading back to bed.

By the time I had returned to the living room my son was beginning to stir and it was too late to get us all back under the duvet. He asked to watch one of his favorite programmes. It’s a program in which an animated gecko teaches toddlers about emergency service vehicles.

My son and are sitting quietly together on the sofa as I type this, and he occasionally points out details of the program to me that capture his imagination. He’s still too sleepy to be rushing around yet, and instead rests his bare feet against my arm and clutches his comforter. The soles of his feet are warm and soft.

It would probably have been good for us all to get the extra hour of sleep, but there is a little magic to these early mornings with him when he’s not quite ready to involve himself in mischief yet, and we can just enjoy a little time together. So I am oddly grateful today that I got us up an hour earlier than I needed to.

Like my work but none of the above options appeal? You could consider a one off donation instead. I would really appreciate it.

Make a monthly donation

Make a yearly donation

Choose an amount

£2.00

£5.00

£10.00

£2.00

£5.00

£10.00

£5.00

£10.00

£15.00

Or enter a custom amount

Your contribution is appreciated.

Donate Donate monthly Donate yearly

Reasons to be grateful: A sense of peace watching the bees

Jun 9, 2022Jun 6, 2022 / The Magpie at Midnight / Leave a comment

Like a lot of people I’ve been alarmed by the reports of the steep decline in biodiversity. When we moved into our current house there were some roses in pots, and a few wild flowers in the garden, but the majority of the space was taken up with lawn, and even the grass all looked like it was all the same variety. While we couldn’t fix the global biodiversity crisis, we could try to help in our little corner of London.

Over the last couple of years my partner and I have put quite a lot of work into increasing the diversity of plant and animal life in the garden, by planting new flowering plants, growing fruit and vegetables, and letting those wild flowers that were there before roam a little more freely.

We’ve managed to establish a couple of sage plants which put on an explosive display of purple flowers in late spring, and we also now have some chunky clusters of chives, that produce clumps of violet pompoms. Both of these plants are really attractive to the bees. Now we can sit and watch the local honey bees roam across these flowers collecting nectar, their little legs heavy with pollen.

As I write this we’ve had a stressful couple of weeks, with both my son and my lovely little cat being poorly, along with the day to day stresses that come with work and the rising cost of living. I’ve struggled with anxiety in the past, and it is these times where it is more important to do little things for our mental health. Most days I find a moment to go out into the garden to watch the busy activity of the bees. These are moments that I can really sink into and feel a little contentment in the present.

The flowers on both plants are dying back now, but there are others just geering up to take their place. My son loves to go outside and look for the ants and the ‘bumble bees’ too. It makes me grateful that we put the effort into trying to turn some patches of a tired looking lawn into an attractive place for the local insects.

Like my work but none of the above options appeal? You could consider a one off donation instead. I would really appreciate it.

Make a monthly donation

Make a yearly donation

Choose an amount

£2.00

£5.00

£10.00

£2.00

£5.00

£10.00

£5.00

£10.00

£15.00

Or enter a custom amount

Your contribution is appreciated.

Donate Donate monthly Donate yearly

Reasons to be Grateful: Croydon Trams

Apr 6, 2022Apr 11, 2022 / The Magpie at Midnight / 2 Comments

My son was born not long before the first lock down in 2020, and his early life has been dominated by the pandemic, a time in which the menu of things to do with a small person has been more limited than it may have been before COVID. However, we were lucky in that we had a garden, and we live near several parks and other things that turn out to be intriguing to a toddler. While the pandemic was really raging I liked to let him watch the YouTube vidoes of Geoff Marshall about the UK rail network, because he talks to camera a lot and I was worried that my son wasn’t getting to see people talk. Geoff probably taught my son some of his first words.

I think perhaps this may have influenced his choices in what he really likes to do now, which involves quite a lot of watching trains and trams. One of the things my son really likes to do is to go and watch the trams that run on some old railway lines not far from our house. Sometimes we take him on a trip on a tram when they are not particularly crowded, but he seems to enjoy watching them pass far more than he does riding them. Recently I have noticed that when my son and I are standing, watching the trams pass, some of the drivers will wave, or ring the bell for him. I really appreaciate this gesture, and I think he gets a kick out of it too.

Thank you Croydon Tram drivers.

Continue reading →

Reasons to be grateful: A quiet moment in misty London

Jan 30, 2022Jan 14, 2022 / The Magpie at Midnight / 1 Comment

It’s not often that I get time to myself these days. I started back at work after my maternity leave at the beginning of 2021 and things had changed quite a lot while I had been away. In response to the pandemic most of our work has gone online, so I rarely go into the office now. It will confess that the adjustment to online working hasn’t been smooth, and I still feel that a lot of my best work has happened in a face to face environment. My days are frequently filled with zoom calls, which I find awkward to navigate if there is a group, and in the absense of travel time to break up the day it seems like the number of meetings has multiplied. The end of the day often finds me exhausted.

I think home working has had a second consequence that is difficult to really quantify. My world feels smaller some how. I go out less often, and when I do go out, I do not travel as far.

So it was quite a treat a few weeks ago to actually get on a train and go into the office. When I arrived in central london the sky was heavy with mist and the top of some of the buildings were shrouded in fog. I really love this kind of weather. There is something about the suggested mystery of a building rising up into the cloud, it’s upper levels unseen, that provokes creative thoughts in me.

My train got in early enough for me to take a few minutes to stop and look around a bit, to take some photographs and have a moment of contemplation before I started my work day. Moments like these are precious now. To still be able to have them, and to appreciate them, is a reason to be grateful.

Thank you for reading. I also write, make art and films. If you are interested in the process of creativity and want to get a copy of my free short book of creative prompts, and to hear more about my writing projects please join my mailing list here. You can see my films at my YouTube channel here. You can see things with my designs on at my shop here. Could even treat yourself if you wanted to. Just saying. If buying art is not your thing, but you would like to support what you see I also have a Patreon page here.

Like my work but none of the above options appeal? You could consider a one off donation instead. I would really appreciate it.

Make a monthly donation

Make a yearly donation

Choose an amount

£2.00

£5.00

£10.00

£2.00

£5.00

£10.00

£5.00

£10.00

£15.00

Or enter a custom amount

Your contribution is appreciated.

Donate Donate monthly Donate yearly

Reasons to be grateful: Cold mornings and sunrise over South London

Jan 3, 2022Dec 31, 2021 / The Magpie at Midnight / Leave a comment

Before I had my son I think it would be fair to say that I was not a morning person in any sense of the word. In fact I would like nothing better, after initially getting up at around nine, than to retreat back into bed with a pot of coffee and an armful of books or the newspaper. I can year the faint laughter of anyone who has ever looked after a small child as I type this. Those days are long gone.

My son is an early riser, which means that by default I have become one too. This is a struggle, and I do not think my physiology has caught up. Over the last few months, as the mornings have grown darker and winter has fully established herself, I have found a consolation. In some of our recent crisp cold winter mornings I have been treated to some wonderful sunrises. If I had not been forced up early to take my son to nursery, I would have missed out on seeing the sky turn golden over South London. For these mornings, I am grateful.

The image of a sunrise has been used in many cultures and across the ages to invoke ideas of new beginnings and fresh starts. On this Bank Holiday Monday, I hope that this new year will give you many reasons to be grateful, too.

Like my work but none of the above options appeal? You could consider a one off donation instead. I would really appreciate it.

Make a monthly donation

Make a yearly donation

Choose an amount

£2.00

£5.00

£10.00

£2.00

£5.00

£10.00

£5.00

£10.00

£15.00

Or enter a custom amount

Your contribution is appreciated.

Donate Donate monthly Donate yearly

Reasons to be grateful: an overgrown garden lawn

Nov 7, 2021Nov 4, 2021 / The Magpie at Midnight / 2 Comments

It’s now November in the UK, and Autumn has really settled in. I really love this time of year, as the leaves turn red and fall to the ground, and we begin to experience some of the more atmospheric weather that I find inspiring. The other morning we were treated to a dense mist as I walked my son to his nursery. He had not really seen mist before, and spent a good portion of the journey pointing into the air and squeaking. It was a nice reminder that for him, many of life’s more normal experiences are completely new.

I planned to write this post several months ago, but somehow couldn’t get it together to write it. I had the idea for it when I was really struggling with some work related anxiety, but hadn’t yet felt ill enough to take any time off work. Since that time I did take a few days off work, before rushing back in again to do something that felt important at the time. A week later my son came home with a fairly common childhood disease, and not long after that I was really ill with it for a couple of weeks. I think my immune system was left struggling after I rushed back to work too soon, a mistake that I will try not to make again.

It is too cold to stand out on the grass in my bare feet now. But this summer I was enormously grateful that when I was feeling stressed I could walk down the stairs and out to my garden, where we are lucky enough to keep a rather untidy lawn. I like to feel the cool grass under my feet when I am feeling anxious. For me there is something about putting my feet in direct contact with the earth that is grounding. Things to not feel quite so bad after a few minutes standing quietly and looking at the flowers.

Thank you for reading. I also write, make art and films. If you like these prompts and want to get a copy of a free short book of them I wrote, and to hear more about my writing projects please join my mailing list here. You can see my films at my YouTube channel here. You can see things with my designs on at my shop here. Could even treat yourself if you wanted to. Just saying. If buying art is not your thing, but you would like to support what you see I also have a Patreon Page here.

If you like my work, and want to support it, but non of these options appeal to you, you may want to consider a one off donation here. I would really appreciate it.

Make a monthly donation

Make a yearly donation

Choose an amount

£2.00

£5.00

£10.00

£2.00

£5.00

£10.00

£5.00

£10.00

£15.00

Or enter a custom amount

Your contribution is appreciated.

Donate Donate monthly Donate yearly

Reasons to be grateful: our neighbour’s friendly relationship with my son

Jul 25, 2021Jul 24, 2021 / The Magpie at Midnight / 2 Comments

When we moved into our house a few years ago we didn’t really know the area very well at all. We had all sorts of plans to get out and get to know the place, and meet some new people. But nothing ever turns out quite as planned, does it?

We weren’t here that long before I gave birth to our son, and not long after that a series of national and international lock downs began. As a consequence, for quite some time our explorations were limited to our back garden, and the only new people we met were our immediate neighbours.

They are an elderly couple who have lived on our the road for a long time and they have taken great delight in building a relationship with our son. The husband in particular looks out for my toddler most days, and makes a point of smiling, waving, and saying a loud hello to him in an excited tone of voice.

When this began in the spring this year, I am not sure if Baby Magpie knew what to do with this kind of attention, but now it has become one of the highlights of his day. He will often look out of the window for our neighbour, and give a little wave to the space where he expects to see him, irrespective of whether he is there or not. When they are ‘talking’ face to face over the garden fence, Baby Magpie is a little more shy, but our neighbour stands and waits patiently for my son to give his little wave back.

I think as the last couple of years have been difficult because of the pandemic, and I feel grateful for simple moments of connection like these, that have become particularly precious.

Thank you for reading. I also write, make art and films. If you want to hear more about my writing projects please join my mailing list here. You can see my films at my YouTube channel here. You can see things with my designs on at my shop here. Could even treat yourself if you wanted to. Just saying. If buying art is not your thing, but you would like to support what you see I also have a Patreon Page here.